DISPATCH

So here we are again, ankle deep into a new year and already bored shitless. It's a pity as well, because the year 2004 ended on such a high note with that spectacular Tsunami show. In a single day, nature proved my theory that EVERYONE hates tourists, correct.

Well... tourists and buddhists and beach wandering muslims. What the fuck is up with that anyway. For fucks sake, are muslims magnetically drawn to sand or some shit? Oh well, whatever. Even a couple of South Africans got tumbled in the giant waves of tourist-hating wrath. Good. What the fuck were you thinking? "We're going to Phuket and be special!" Fuck you. Serves you right for not staying here and dying in road accidents like the rest of us. Motherfuckers.

Well, the whole Tsunami thing was pretty exploitative with the thousands of hours of video footage and pictures shoved down our collective throats, and as great as that is, it's over now and to be quite honest, totally last year. If mother nature has any finesse she would drop a giant anvil on those other godless people, the Israelis, and save us all from another television appearance by that fat reptile Ariel "Frontline of Terror" Sharon. He totally creeps me out, and he doesn't even hide the fact that he's a reptilian anymore. Just look at his eyes, those aren't human... they're chameleon eyes. ARGH! FUCK! SOMEBODY GIVE ARIEL A FLY SO HE'LL LEAVE US ALONE!

Anyway, the biggest news so far this year is Prince Harry chasing dragons in his neo-nazi body armour. Actually, Harry was chasing the dragon with nazis dressed as the queen. No, actually actually it was nothing remotely as exciting, he just went to some retarded costume party, that probably had no heroin whatsoever, dressed as a nazi. Big fucking deal. I make my girlfriend dress like a nazi every night before bed time. I wear my striped pyjamas and draw a star of david on my forehead and then I say things like:"Oh please Ilsa, punish me for the schmuck that I am, whip me, eat me, gas me, love me."

In other news, the Americans are still doing the work of Jesus and killing the heathen Arabs up there in Iraq. Apparently there will be elections in Iraq on the 30th of January. That should be interesting. Well, interesting for me anyway because I firmly believe that there has not been enough carnage. On the plus side, Iraq could become the only country in the world with a working democratic system in which one person's vote can make a difference. And that person will be the guy or gal who actually manages to cast his or her ballot without getting blown to pieces. I personally think that's great. I mean, if you actually manage to survive all the way to the polling station I damn well think you deserve to choose your candidate. Of course, your candidate's executive powers might not stretch past his amputated arm, but it's the thought that counts. That's what democracy is all about damnit!

But all in all, this year of our lord 2005 has been fairly to mildly boring. I rate this through my hours awake/jerking off ratio, which has reached alarming figures, reminiscent of the Great Porn Explosion during my teens. But unlike my teen years, I only indulge in pornography nowadays to have intelligent conversations with women (yes, the ladies on the screen do talk to me so shut the fuck up). So the jerking off factor must come from other sources which could either be (a. I'm trying to physically remove my penis so I can see what is inside or (b. I am extremely fucking bored because 2005 is an uneven year and therefor extremely fucking boring.

So I guess, in an effort to avoid a continuation of this masturbation epidemic that seems to have affected me, I will have to take it upon myself to make this year more interesting. How I will do it I do not know. Self loathing nihilists are not known for their "thinking of fun things to do" skills and are even less known for any action plan execution credentials.

Perhaps I should learn to drive. Then I too can be one of those people who... uhm... go places. Indeed! I can drive to Phuket and poke dead buddhists with sticks. Or I can drive to Iraq and poke dead Marines with sticks. Actually, I'd like to poke living marines with sticks until they die. But it's probably not a great idea to drive to Iraq, up there they almost have as bad a hijacking statistic as in Johannesburg.

No, learning to drive seems a bit excessive. I don't need to drive anywhere, I live a hundred metres from a supermarket that sells booze for christ's sake! Perhaps gardening will make this year more interesting. I'll make a big 5 garden and plant poppies, cocoa plants, some mushrooms, weed and a meth factory. Or maybe I must just keep it simple and create a rock garden. I'll be a regular mr. Greenfingers and I'll fuck that Debbie really hard and make her call out my name in a cold sweat every morning when she wakes up because that is how hard I will fuck her so hard that every time she greets a new day she'll think of me. Oops, lost my train of thought there, I mentioned mr. Greenfingers and got confused with Mr. Greenfeld from Debbie Does Dallas. My bad, I think I need to go watch that film now, maybe jerk off a couple of times.