DISPATCH

Wow. Easter! Wasn't it great. The booze. The drugs. The incest. Kind of reminds me Jesus in a way. This was the first easter celebration in 25 years , or so the story goes, that the pope was not present and did not preside over. The same pope? 25 years? I say:"BULLSHIT!" As the spokesperson for God, like Jesus was, I think the only way we can truly honour Jesus' memory is by crucifying a pope every year! And for the ascension we shoot the Pope into the sky with a big human cannon like the one at the circus. I'm tired of chocolate eggs, bunnies and visions of Jesus in the shower door over easter time. I want a show goddamnit!

Fuck! It would be great. Every year we nail some ageing white guy to a cross and then send him flying through the clouds and maybe we can get some rain for fucks' sake!

Better yet, let's choose a JEW as the Pope every year! Maybe we can put our collective income as a united human species together and construct a cross strong enough to support the weight of Ariel Sharon and then use depleted uranium nails and shove it up his big fat Jewish arse and then laugh and laugh and crucify him and sing "Fuck you pope you were a big fat evil Jew and now you're the Pope and now you are dead lalala the rain in Palestine falls mainly on your blood stained hands."

And then we send him up to his buddy Hitler so they can play with their Masters of the Universe action figurines. Ariel will be He-Man and Adolf will suck his cock. It'll be just like that part in the Bible where they talk about killing Semites. Ariel and Adolf have a lot in common, except that Adolf never became the Pope.

I also think we must change the name of Easter to "Let's kill the Pope and then eat chocolate covered marshmellow eggs day." It's a tad more festive don't you think?

I never liked Jesus much anyway, neither do I like Israeli's or Zionists, but in the end they're just like Jesus... Jews. And killing Jews on Easter is our God given right! Read the Bible motherfuckers!

Speaking of killing, the main news from that bastion of stupidity and ignorance, the United States of America, is about removing a feeding tube from a vegetable. YES! That is the American issue of the day which will soon be presented on television screens around the world as an episode of "Law and Order and Executioner".

Feeding tubes... Vegetables.

AM I THE ONLY PERSON WITH A PROBLEM WITH THIS!?

I mean, why feed vegetables. I fucking hate vegetables. I hate carrots. I hate potatoes. I hate pumpkins. I hate Israelis. I hate leeks. I hate onions. I hate Americans. I hate lentils. I hate peas. I hate beans. I HATE VEGETABLES! HATE HATE HATE THEM!

I would rather starve to death than have a vegetable contaminate my delicate palette. But no! In the US they fucking feed these things. Isn't there enough starvation going around elsewhere. Fucking cunts.

Now I don't know what kind of vegetable this Terri Schiavo is, sounds kind of Italian, probably a tomato, but apparently her maiden name is Schindler so she's most likely some vegetable that was in that Spielberg film. I never saw it because I'm black & white blind but I imagine an undernourished vegetable with loads of poison sprayed over it.

Schindler's List. That was the name of the movie. The elevator company that manufactured the piece of equipment that transports me to the hellish shithole I lovingly call employment is also called Schindler. Some fucking hero this Schindler guy was! Saves a couple of bags of fertilizer from reaching the shelves and sends all the rest of us to hell!

All Schindlers must die! Fuck them and fuck their elevators and fuck their vegetable daughters. Terri "Schindler's List" Schiavo can go stick that feeding tube up her arse. Oh wait... she can't. She can't even wipe her arse. All vegetables ever do is emit carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, rot, and make hippes shit their pants before the iron rod connects with their foreheads.

The most amazing thing about the Christian pro-vegetable rally to save their precious elevator kingpin is that they have managed to get the President of the US involved in the debate. More proof that that nation should be put to rest and fed to the pigs so we can have nice tender pork chops at our Wednesday afternoon Sabbath when we praise Baal and get fucked on synthetic drugs like we as an evolved species are supposed to.

Anyway, these are the words of the wise Vegetable-in-Chief, George W Bush:"Our society, our laws and our courts should have a presumption in favour of life".

I'm sure those innocent civilian Iraqi weeds were delighted to hear that. Weeds vs. Vegetables... every gardener's nightmare.

But there is always a fight, a struggle. Like in Britain, whose television news channels have dcided to educate me on the massive epidemic of school bullying that is grasping that country by the underpants. WHAT? A television cable news network dedicates prime time to report on school bullying? I have half a mind to beat them up and take their lunch money for fucks' sake! My time is precious! If I watch news I want to see dead people, dying people or people about to kill people.

I simply have no time to watch some grieving alcoholic Englishman who forgot to take a life insurance policy for his snot nosed geeky chess club son talk about how 2 kids threw him over a bridge and how the fucking pussy kid drowned because daddy was too drunk to teach him how to swim.

How do the English think they will ever end school bullying anyway? Ever hear their ridiculous accents or seen their teeth? Hey, I admit my teeth are no laughing matter and I could well thrive in the UK before they realise I'm an illegal immigrant impregnating their slutty fat daughters with my demon seed. But the state of my teeth are not in question nor do I have any Anglo-Saxon blood pumping through my veins which immediately excludes me from being clumped together with pasty faced arseholes who believe in fairies and dragons and queens.

The only queens we have in South Africa are those who sell a blow job for the equivalent of one British pound and the late Brenda Fassie who did pretty much the same thing if you pretend that one British pound is code name for a big fucking chunk of rock cocaine otherwise known as crack otherwise known as "thank fuck for crack because she was about to record another album".

Queen of pop? Brenda Fassie was NEVER interested in pop and/or snap for that matter. She was queen of CRACK! God burn her soul.

School bullying is a major problem in England. Well fuck! I have a solution! Give those poor nerds who get bullied guns. English people and their stupid laws. Give the kid a fucking gun. Problem over! The government should have a programme that gives a kid a 9mm handgun and two clips of ammo the minute he or she gets braces. That's health care at work!

Fix the pussy's teeth and get rid of the little soccer hooligan at the same time. GUNS! One bully, one bullet.