dispatch!

Since nobody actually ever visits this website it gives us the perfect opportunity to do pretty much whatever the fuck we want and tackle the issues that aren't issues whatsoever in any alternate universe no matter how much you bend the space/time continuum. Of course our failure to address the affairs that plague humanity make us every bit as, if not more, relevant than every other website in this cesspool of information called the world wide web.

Of course, the craft of creating a website is not actually a craft at all. Kids can do it and generally do it better than the adults who try use this tool of communication to "generate income". That's always been the problem with anything that has mass appeal with fucked up people who simply want to escape the overbearing tedium of modern day life without actually having to get up and actually do something; some asshole is going to make something marketable out of the whole new "communication trend" which would immediately trigger the "I need a cause" switch on some bored liberal who finally realised that nature sucks but still goes to "Save the Planet from Bush" rallies in the hope to score with the hot hippie protest poster designer chick with the size 36DD boobs that almost snaps her little lentil fed spine in two everytime she turns her neck at a 45 degree angle to try see who is touching her arse. And then all of a sudden you a have 70 fucking alternative portal sites for every legitimate mainstream corporate sponsored site and every one of these alternative portal sites share links with each other and in turn creates the largest circle jerk ever attempted in the history of mankind, even out-jerking the backstage happenings of the Houston 500 gang bang. Gang bangs are another one of those things I don't understand. Actually I don't understand threesomes, when there is one guy with two girls. I mean why bother dissapointing two women when you can just dissapoint one and let her alone tell the rest of the world what a loser you are? But I digress.

Anyway, so now there 7 million alternative portals, a giant circle jerk, and a bunch of old guys making money off the internet and then some kid decides to film his cat getting its paw stuck in a blender and kabam every fucking person with a modem and at least two fingers are on this kid's website that violates every single one of Jacob Nielsen's dumb little web user guide rules, laughing their asses off and then going to the water cooler to discuss how disgusting it was and that the internet is certainly going to the dogs and something must be done to clean it up. Meanwhile the kid who is still high because of all the traffic he received has already invested in ten new cats.

That's the great thing about the world wide web. It's fucking stupid. It is inhabited by creepy guys who want to buy your dirty underwear and get their kicks from blending cats. It is also inhabited by people who believe they have a valid opinion about whatever it is they have an opinion about and they feel the need to set up a site to convey this opinion.

Not this website. We're purely reactionary. And we would like to buy your dirty underwear.

But still, the internet is stupid, and if anyone feels that the internet plays a role in your development as a human being and that parts of it should be taken seriously they are idiots with too much fucking time on their hands and have obviously failed in every other aspect of life otherwise they would actually be out there doing something worthwhile. You know who you are and take it from this kid, you are fucking wrong and childish and must seriously investigate kite surfing.

The point is, anyone can make a fucking website. We did. You're on it right now mom. And in the end it does not really matter if your dumbass website gets 5 hits or 50000 a month it will still be equally insignificant. You see, the internet, the world wide web, she's not a tangible entity. It's meaningless. It's a bunch of numbers, mostly zeros and ones or so I heard but I think it's all zeros, it's just strings of code and in a certain way kind of resembles life in its meanlinglessness. The only redeeming factor of the internet is that it breeds a bunch of cynical, spiteful assholes who answer online questionairres about sexual addiction like this one(includes suggested answers):

Answer these twelve questions to assess whether you may have a problem with sexual addiction.
1. Do you keep secrets about your sexual or romantic activities from those important to you? Do you lead a double life?	1. Only from my wife - I know how jealous she'd be.
2. Have your needs driven you to have sex in places or situations or with people you would not normally choose?	2. Choose? You can choose?
3. Do you find yourself looking for sexually arousing articles or scenes in newspapers, magazines, or other media?	3. Umm, duh?
4. Do you find that romantic or sexual fantasies interfere with your relationships or are preventing you from facing problems?	4. No, my relationships ARE the problem.
5. Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having sex? Do you frequently feel remorse, shame, or guilt after a sexual encounter?	5. Yes, but only because I've shortchanged them.
6. Do you feel shame about your body or your sexuality, such that you avoid touching your body or engaging in sexual relationships? Do you fear that you have no sexual feelings, that you are asexual?	6. Not any more.
7. Does each new relationship continue to have the same destructive patterns which prompted you to leave the last relationship?	7. Last relationship? What do my pets have to do with this?
8. Is it taking more variety and frequency of sexual and romantic activities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement and relief?	8. No, I just do it intraveneously now, instead of smoking it.
9. Have you ever been arrested or are you in danger of being arrested because of your practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism, prostitution, sex with minors, indecent phone calls, etc.?	9. I'd like to go on record saying that every phonecall I make is indecent. And they were'nt a minor, they were a dwarf.
10. Does your pursuit of sex or romantic relationships interfere with your spiritual beliefs or development?	10. No, my lack of psychedelic drugs impedes my spiritual development.
11. Do your sexual activities include the risk, threat, or reality of disease, pregnancy, coercion, or violence?	11. What the fuck do you think?
12. Has your sexual or romantic behavior ever left you feeling hopeless, alienated from others, or suicidal?	12. Alienated? Never!

The rest of the web is dumb.
Get off the internet, I'll meet you in the street.