We at nihil.co.za take feedback from our visitors extremely mega-ultra 100% excitement seriously. We not only welcome criticism, we encourage it and in the spirit of interactivity we deliver visitor service to the best of our ability. This week, a letter of concern from a concerned citizen concerning children and others that should be concerned.

THE LETTER OF CONCERN:



THE REPLY:

Dear Mr. S,

Jamal! May I call you Jamal? Good. My name is Mr. Peterson Bulo-McKray, but you may call me Ntombi, and in my position as Public Liaison Officer for the website/internet publishing medium ‘nihil.co.za’, I wished to contact you regarding your recent correspondence.

Firstly, may I compliment you on your firm and unyielding grasp on the English language! As I read your words, I was overcome by your tight, manly mind as it curled its vice-like fingers around the bulging, veined neck of my mother tongue, your decisive strokes massaging its nuances and forcing from it the sweet creamy explosion of an excellent communication. I feel somehow that we have bonded through our mutual appreciation of the language’s rock-like solidity and tender soft spots, so this letter is not just a business formality, but instead an exchange between respected equals.

Jamal, I too have been scalded by the burning devil’s touch of the Internet. I too have accidentally wandered into places of such filth that my very eyes have begun to water in horror. Why, just last week I was doing market research, and accidentally typed “HOT XXX PRETEEN PEDOPHILE BLONDE BLEEDING RAPE” into that bastion of sin, Google.com. And then I accidentally clicked on the www.fuckmytoddler.com link and accidentally input my credit card details. When a confirmation email arrived in my email box, I accidentally clicked on the login link, and then spent sixteen hours accidentally masturbating furiously to pictures of three year olds being raped by giraffe. The Internet is truly the home of Satan himself, or at least one of his holiday retreats. The ease with which a small child could have accidentally come across the same disgusting material that I did shocks and horrifies me, and I too think that something should be done about it. But where do we draw the lines, Jamal? Where do we draw the lines?

Here at nihil, I am often wracked with doubt when considering the publication of an article. You see, it is my job to ensure that the authors restrain themselves, and that every word and picture dispensed from our hallowed vending machine of an Internet site passes stringent tests for taste, public value, educational content, and venereal disease spore quantity. You are no doubt aware that nihil is a website on the very edge of journalism, approaching issues that less dedicated news vendors would shy away from like a Muslim from a ham sandwich with wholegrain mustard and slices of sweet white vaginal tissue. What you probably don’t know is that nihil is also part of a rehabilitation program for HIV infected Downs Syndrome victims with fetal alcohol mis-developments. I must walk the bendy tightrope between allowing these poor children their vital healing words, and ensuring that the very same words do no cause hurt or tears amongst our sensitive and wholesome readers. Let me tell you, it is not an easy walk, and I have spent many nights tossing and turning between my crisp white sheets debating my choices. When do explicit drug references cease being delightfully playful allusions to worship of Our Lord God and become a tired cliché? How much child sex is enough? Should we continue our tongue-in-cheek blasphemy against White God, Brown God, and Big-Nose-God, or expand into some of the more exotic religions?

But back to your letter! Jamal, I really want to help you with your complaints, but unfortunately they are not specific enough for me to provide such aid. What exactly was it that offended you? I initially assumed that it must be the improper use of capital letters for the title of the article, “RADIO FREE FUCK YOU”. This oversight cut me deeply too, and I spent many hours trying to convince the author to capitalize properly. Despite my best efforts and my firm but kind discipline, administered across the testicles at ever increasing voltages, aforementioned author refused to budge, and instead assaulted me with language so vile and sinful that I spent a full day in prayer in an effort to wipe its sticky blackness off of my sparkling translucent soul. Although this Dachau of the capitalization standard is terrible enough to strike fear into the soul of even the most faithful Christian man, I somehow suspect that your righteous attacks run even deeper than this. Please explain to me where we have gone wrong, so that I may incise the bleeding cancer from the otherwise healthy heart tissue of our humble attempts at Godly education.

In addition to this, I have a few other questions to ask, the answers to which may aid us in providing a better reading experience to all on the Internet, and especially young Christians.

1. Please, for the sake of future visitors, explain to me the circumstances of your accident? I wish to ensure that no-one else will stumble across our site so accidentally.

2. Did you know that Brain, in the television cartoon series “Pinky and the Brain”, once used the name Jamal S as an alias? I like mice.

3. Could I get your address, ID number, and home/cellphone details? For our records.

4. What denomination are you? And how did you come to hear the healing words of our Lord Jesus Christ? It is truly gladdening when brown people who normally worship idols like Mohammed realize their errors and convert to a proper white religion.

5. What is your position on child sex? Do you think that we should institute a maximum penis size policy when filming my six year old daughter performing Godly sex acts with animals? For the comfort of all involved, of course.

6. You wouldn’t happen to be a genetic engineer, would you? I want to make a cow with squid tentacles that has potatoes growing in its back. Surf and Turf with chips is my favorite meal, and I’d like to get all the ingredients into one funny looking animal.

7. I’ve got a rash around my anus that really itches. Do you think I should get a doctor to look at it? Its sort of orange, and it looks like there’s something moving under the skin. Have you ever had this problem?

8. Do you have children?

Jamal, I must thank you sincerely for your communications. I hope that we can discuss and resolve the issues that you will so helpfully illustrate.

God Bless,
Peterson ‘Ntombi’ Bulo-McKray
PLO – nihil.co.za