A while back we at nihil.co.za ran a frightening expose on a scurge in our fine nation. Tik (see the article here), the menace that is terrorizing our youth and making the light bulb manufacturers of this country a bundle in profits (has anyone actually looked into this connection?) Anyway, we received tons of mails from concerned and shocked citizens, but the following one even concerned and shocked us. Luckily our public relations office is always there to offer unbiased views and good old fashioned advice.

THE LETTER:



THE REPLY:

Dear John T,

You know, a funny thing just happened: I was sitting at my desk, auditing our books and trying to hide the prostitute expenses, when I heard a strange noise outside the window. Actually I'd been hearing it for an hour or so, but had been too smacked up to care; now it was bugging me. I swung the makeshift curtain (Mail and Guardian - 'Hansie is Dead! Long live Hansie!') aside - dramatically - and found a pigeon, heavy and swollen, fucking its reflection in the window, feet splattered with its own ejaculate. This got me thinking of you.

Firstly, John, you have no-one but yourself to blame. Well, yourself and God, but that shifty wanker has a legal team that scares even me, so its all on you.

But there are a couple of things that you can do. Firstly, and I thought this would have been obvious, you have to deal with the supply. Not the tik supply, of course - you can't stop that. Even if you managed to shut down the lab that supplies your strangely sexed kids (according to our ledgers, thats probably the one at 23 Bloostings Street, second floor of the abandoned 7-11) another would pop up to take its place, perhaps down the street in the old municipal supply building, or across the river in the industrial district - there's a lovely little plot over there: good water supply, beautiful view, and three primary schools within walking distance. No John, these evil Pied Pipers of the methamphetamine world will always be able to produce more glinting crystal to lure your dear little rats away from you.

But John, this isn't right-thinking! What else do Satan-sucking tik junkies need? Thats right! Light bulbs! Now here's something that you can control, but its going to take planning and co-operation throughout your entire district. Here's what I suggest:

The crystal-ho types need those bulbs - where are they getting them? Your light-fittings, as you've no doubt noticed. So step number one is to stop using electric light. Paraffin lamps are too dangerous, and besides, they're also too good a high to put in the path of the raging addict. What you have to use is... candles! A return to basics will stop them. So once you've convinced your entire municipal area to switch to candle use, and stopped the shops from stocking any sort of light bulb (60w, 100w, bayonet or screw, those great flat top-down ones, long-life, florescent, nitrogen, and biological), you and your neighbours might find that the light from the candles is weak and ineffectual; don't quit now! A simple reflector constructed of tinfoil and wrapped around the base of the candle will brighten the output by three to four hundred percent - easily enough light to quicklime even the most twisted of hooker corpses.

And now your problem is solved! Your (and your friends') kids will never be able to lay hands on another light bulb in their short, withdraw-ridden lives, and will instead forever be taunted by the absolutely useless masses of candles and tinfoil that surround them. Lets see the little bastards spark their fun-pellets on those!

Of course, John, I shouldn't be telling you this. There's obviously a bigger problem at hand - and no, its not your sweet offspring's trans-gendering: everyone experiments when they're young, don't they, John? Don't they? The problem is this: there's only one thing that can drive pure and saintly children into the hell that is tik usage (well, two things, but there's nothing you can do about our LOW LOW PRICES! FREQUENT TIKSTER MILES FOR REGULAR CUSTOMERS!) One thing, John: Bad Parenting. Yes, I think its time you considered your role in this. I mean, did you show them enough love when they were young? How often did you show them this love? How forcefully? Did you naively rely on the equipment that God gave you? Because trust me John, God skimped out when it came to stocking the Twogoatsshagging hardware store. Did you even consider demonstrating affection with any of the vast range of tools and other supplies that we offer as a community service, albeit a pricey and exclusive one? How are Heather, Gregory and Jodie to know that you care for them if you didn't spend at least one afternoon a week demonstrating that affection with one of the vast range of clubs, pipes and chains that we stock in a conveniently located distributor in your area? God himself said "spare the rod, spoil the child", and I'm sure you listened, but did you do just enough, or did you give all you had? What really made Heather and Greg score those first straws? Thats right, John: their legs.

John, I think that you have much to consider. And once you've finished, once you have those answers, you will know what do. And no John, I'm not talking about suicide, its a sweet gesture, but unfulfilling. What I expect from you is to go down the road, to take a left at the lights, to take another left into the park, and to say to Lucky, the African fella with the big hair, "Just a gram, man, the brown stuff, mineral base." Tell him I sent you, and you'll even get a discount.

Yours in tikstacy,
Peterson ‘Ntombi’ Bulo-McKray
PLO – nihil.co.za