Dispatch!

Down here in darkest Africa it has certainly been bright and sunny lately. Now, for those familiar with the concept of "Four Seasons" this naturally means that it is not winter, but then Southern Africa doesn't really have winter like in Europe so it wouldn't really matter anyway.

But yes, summer is dawning upon us again. The first signs of summer are evident in the dietry habits of girls. They start ingesting less fattening foods and become all health conscious after months of pigging out and allowing themselves to become bloated. I'm not fooled by their excuses of "I have to start living healthier" or "My body demands more respect." That's bullshit girls, and you know it. Everybody knows that the female mind works along two definitive settings: Winter means food, Summer means sex.

So the girls start eating ridiculous health foods and start toning their bodies and buy 120W lightbulbs instead of the more "wintery" 60W lightbulbs so they can start working on their tan all in anticipation for the influx of bronzed, buffed up Spanish peasantry that will undoubtetly come here to Cape Town for a cheap vacation filled with sex, sand and lots and lots of booze and drugs. Yeah mr. Sheepherder from Spainland, come spend your fucking pesos and see if I care.

Anyway, while most nubile young sluts and the entire homosexual population of this fine and sunny country flock to the beaches to fuck sheep herders, decent hardworking digital clerks like myself flock to the internet, credit card close to our crotches, to amass enough popular culture to keep us out the harmful rays of the sun for the entire season.

Stocking up this year won't be as much a hassle because I've finally embraced DVD technology. It's true, I'm never the quickest off the mark but since DVD prices have plummeted I said to myself, hey, why the fuck not? I mean, now I can see the movie and the erotic photo gallery, on one disc, which means more sweaty summer masturbation fun for my cash.

Previous summers I screened my choices very carefully, endlessly reading up on the item I want to purchase, if it is a film, I would read reviews, follow the director's body of work. Practically become a student of the film maker before I part with my bank's money. I wanted to make sure that whatever I get will be worth it.

Of course many expectations end in dissapointment because let's face it, most people out there are complete tasteless idiots and have no idea about what cinematic entertainment actually MEANS.

However, this summer I have perfected my screening process. I've realised that a lot of my previous choices were nothing more than exercises in pretention. This time it's based purely on perversion.

Anyway. Summer. Girls. Popular culture. DVD.

So since the whole Spanish countryside is moving to our beaches to inseminate our women with semen and smegma that reek of sheep dung, us poor skinny sex starved sloth-geeks will have to wait at least 8 months until some fuck-tired chicks let us into their homes and use us as a cheap alternative to those rubber bottles one fills with hot water to warm their feet. We're only good for body warmth, not body heat.

But this does not phase me at all. I've come up with the perfect solution. Buy all the girls you need to survive the summer in the dank and dark place you call your room, on DVD! None of that "but I wonder if the story is any good" crap for me this year. I'm just going to aquire some of the hottest screen whores I can possibly find on disc and slip it into my DVD player and salivate over them for hours.

Summer is the perfect time to live out all those perverted fantasies you'll never get to even attempt with a real woman. You know, those fantasies where you give her a helmet and say:"Put it on bitch!" and then you mount her like the dog she is and ram her from behind while her head goes "Thunk, thunk thunk" against the wall until she blacks out. But instead of putting a real woman's face in that helmet, put an actress' face in that helmet. It makes it less creepy.

So I've gone on a mammoth search to find the right women in the most compromising positions all available on DVD.

An obvious first choice was Jenna Jameson. After I saw her give a blowjob in The Kiss I was hooked on her. I was so elated to see a woman that can actually give head I immediately called my girlfriend, rewound to the beginning of the blowjob and told her:"Look and learn you little slutbag." If any of her boyfriends after me are reading this, you can thank me later, perhaps over drinks, that you pay for. I must at this stage point out that I've never been a big fan of blondes and/or big breasts, but this is DVD and not real life and if ANY girl can do do with her tongue and saliva what Jenna can do I will immediately drop my prejudices. Except for my ex-girlfriend of course, it's not worth the suffering.

But even though Jenna has the most lyrically amazing oral abilities, I'm afraid to say that I have moved on. Sorry Jen. I mean, we went through a lot together. You were good to me. At one stage I might have even loved you, but there is somebody else and I'm afraid you're no longer worth the price of a DVD.

Brigitte Lahaie.

The two sweetest words that the mouth can utter. I urge all who read this to buy a Brigitte Lahaie DVD and we can swop after we have tapped it of all possible satisfaction, then begin all over again! She's incredible. A French actress who did not only horror films but then crossed over into pornography! Now sure, I hear you say that porn is porn is porn. LIES. COMMUNISM! You get porn, and then you get 70's French porn. And Ms. Lahaie has an extensive presence in 70's French blue movies.

Actually, fuck it. I'm not even going to search for other girls for the summer. Dare I say it? I think I'll go completely monogamous and spend ALL my disposable income on the fine and talented Brigitte Lahaie.

Yes indeed, this summer will be hot, sexy and sweaty, filled with passionate lust and mind blowing sex in exotic locations, and the best part of it all is I won't have to get out of my bed, except maybe to switch DVD's.