The measure of success is one of those things that some of us just do not measure up to. It's been on my mind a lot lately since I seem to be the measure of anti-success.
Here I am in my late twenties and own no property or anything of true value that I can call my own. No real life relationship, bond if you will, with the one person that I will share the rest of my life with.
But then, I also realised that most of those holier than though look down on my lifestyle folk are not really as self made as they pretend to be. Fuck no, most of them just happened to stumble on the joys of parental guidance and money to make them true go-getters who strive to make the most of what their parents gave to them.
Like that first house, that first car, or whatever. They had a base of financial security handed to them by mom and dad who was just too fucking afraid when they realised that if little kiddie doesn't get some kind of fucking grounding in life he or she might be living with them until well into their twilight years.
I wasn't as lucky, my old people just gave me enough cash to buy a train ticket to the city and to buy a loaf of bread to sustain myself for a day or two. I've been working ever since then making enough money to be able to sustain myself for a day or two. Too bad there's an average of 30 days in a month but we scum of society are tenacious.
We're like cockroaches in the fabric of society. Shunned by all those who have "made it" and lead "normal lives" but always welcome to do the shitty jobs like eating the other cockroaches and keeping the population in check.
You might refer to us using the term "losers" and you may look down on us and scoff in our direction because we choose to to spend our money on worldly pleasures, like having a good time, instead of investing it into our futures that does no exist.
You most likely pity us because we travel through life alone and will never have that special person to take care of us when we reach that age where we need to have our oversized adult nappies changed on an hourly basis, because that is what true and eternal love represents.
Personally I'm quite content to blow my own fucking brains out before I have to rely on somebody to take my shit, in a literal sense. Saving somebody the dishonour of caring for your rotting and decaying body is a much greater show of love than dependency.
But sure. I'm a cynic. A dark horse. A soulless shadow drifting through the cesspool of life and never acknowledging your pathetic dependant love. You are most welcome to look down on me for being ambitionless. You can judge my lack of assertiveness and my absense of "leadership skills" and discuss my complete lack of goals at your bourgeois dinner parties inbetween bouts of complaints about crime and fears of a black planet.
I on the other hand will be as indifferent to your cushy complacent lifestyle as ever. I'll probably have another drink, meet real people with real issues, do some narcotics and go home with the cumslut with the big arse and fuck her brains out until I pass out in a pool of semen, drool and puke.
My mommy and daddy didn't give me that push into your adulthood. Everything I achieved, or failed to achieve are products of my own efforts. I never felt the need to boss others around and be self important. Meth abuse has eroded my fears of loneliness and death.
In the process I became a true human being instead of another clone in search of the American dream in deepest darkest Africa. I don't have fantasies of emigrating and settling in with whole lot of other white arseholes who are out to stab you in the back.
Hell no. I'm living the gutter life, a day to day struggle for survival where emotions are experienced as real and not some dulled sense of greed and success and an attempt to prove something to somebody because you need a substitute for the lack of raw emotion in your protected by electrical fence misexistence.
In no way am I disadvantaged. I just choose to live a life where I can experience all that life has to offer. Love, lust, pain, suffering and being completely fucking broke and trying to scrape together some cash for that loaf of bread.
And when defeat stares you in the face, accept it, go with it. Don't be sad, don't blame your parents for never giving you that first house, car or couple of thousand bucks. Don't blame yourself for never utilising your talents or working harder for a waiting grave. No, accept it, love it, indulge in defeat.
And then go to the traffic lights and when the lights turn red stand in the middle of the road and display your middle finger to all those fools driving to the hell that they call their careers. It really unnerves them. And it boosts the economy! They become more productive in the fear that they might become like you.
Poor little scared termites.