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DISPATCH!

Aren't you sick of the people who think colored ribbons will somehow change the world? People will use any excuse to adorn their trees, fences or what-have-you with those god-awful yellow ribbons. There should be a yellow ribbon killer who chooses his victims exclusively from the legions of chumps who use yellow ribbons to show the world how much they care.

Now there are so many who care so deeply about so much, there are ribbons of every conceivable hue addressing every conceivable concern. Ribbons to "end AIDS," to "end drunk driving," to "save the rain forest" and so on, ad infinitum. Ironically, the more ribbons people wear the worse things seem to get. Perhaps it's because they choose to deal with the world's problems in an inappropriate manner - by wearing a ribbon instead of actually doing something. This is emblematic of humanity's tenuous relationship to reality at the end of the millennium. The ultra-popular bumper sticker weltanschauung/slogan "visualize world peace" could be more accurately encapsulated in the phrase "pretend everything's OK." Because that's the predominant character of the modern world: a huge game of let's pretend, with an endless succession of marches, run-a-thons, rallies and so on, dedicated to ending every possible malady of modern life, from date rape to homelessness. You can walk in the morning to "end violence," run in the afternoon to "end racism" and attend a rally in the evening to "stop AIDS," And all you will have succeeded in doing is fooling yourself into imagining that you have actually done anything at all. It may be the modern equivalent of fiddling while Rome burns, but at least fiddling produced a constructive byproduct - music. Today's care bear "activists" can wear a different colored ribbon every day of the week and never produce anything more meaningful than a small rise in the profit margin of the ribbon industry.

I'll conclude with some good news and some bad. First the bad news: there will always, always, always be pestilence, deadly disease, hunger, homelessness, inhumanity and great suffering. Nothing man can do will ever totally erase it, and certainly no amount of colored ribbons will either. Now for the good news: It's going to get far worse. Don't imagine for even a second that it might get better somehow… because it won't. But we all know how much people love to suffer, and as things take a turn for the worse they will find more and more opportunities to rejoice in their misery. So maybe things aren't so bad after all.


DISPATCH!

On the topic of freedom of speech, I would like to mention the case of Justin Nurses's Laugh it off company versus the South African Breweries about a certain satirical T-shirt.

First of all I would like to say the "Black Labour/White Guilt" idea was not that fantastic, and it is extremely ironic that the very idea was spawned by white guilt in the first place.

But dear Justin, I abbhor the fact that you call yourself a culture jammer as you have done on a certain television actuality show. Can I please explain the idea of culture jamming to you.

It is a subversive means of undermining the grip that popular consumer culture has on us as a select and privilidged community who have expendable money and waste it on such things as beer... or T-Shirts for that matter, instead of helping others.

Culture jamming does not require anyone to start a company based on generating profits, selling overpriced goods in order to convert ignorant children to your cause or going to court to defend your company's right to do so.

A true culture jammer does not advertise or put little labels on his clothing. A true culture jammer does subversive acts, once, not mass produced, and moves out before he gets busted.

Justin Nurse and his company, Laugh it Off, is nothing more than a fraud and a little burgeoining capitalist industry. Do not make the mistake of believing that this is a case of freedom of speech versus Big Brother. It is simply another little corporate tiff fought out by equally ambitious players.

It has as much relevance as the latest episode of Days of our Lives and I am disgusted to even think that the highest court in this country is wasting tax payer's money to entertain this media side show.

Justin Nurse and Laugh it Off bores me. The company's attempt to become a people's hero in South Africa is deceitful and revolting. If the Constitutional Court decides in favour of this little white guilt ridden money-whore it will simply prove the lack of respect that the judicial system of South Africa has for those who live in poverty and are dying of AIDS. And that amount will be equivalent to zero.

Freedom of speech is a very important issue, but it is not the playground of profit bearing or profit hungry companies. It is the right of an individual.




DISPATCH!

Easter. Drugs, incest, stupid Americans and the motherfucking Pope. Jesus, I hate Easter.




FUCK YOU

Valentines day again... so far so good, I'm alive and miles from the nearest hospital.




RANT WEEK

I love monkeys. I hate monkeys. All Americans must die.




RANT WEEK

Penis cock schlong dong schmuck fuck piss.




RANT WEEK

Don't be nice.




YOUR OWN SOUTH AFRICAN SUCCUBUS!

For a small fee we will deliver the bitter complaining cow right to your doorstep, marriage license in hand, so you can start your hellish descent out of manhood straight away. Many hours of self loathing, doubt and smuggling pornography into your house awaits you!




2005 IS MAKING MY BALLS ITCH

So here we are again, ankle deep into a new year and already bored shitless. It's a pity as well, because the year 2004 ended on such a high note with that spectacular Tsunami show. In a single day, nature proved my theory that EVERYONE hates tourists, correct.




ON GOTHS AND WOMEN

In my line of work I am a truly unique organism, swimming against the current of corporate ethics and expectations. Whenever there is a problem, I am a problem solver. Whenever there is a cloud in the sky, I am an umbrella of hope and a ray of sunshine all rolled into one.




CLEANING TIPS FOR THE LONELY BACHELOR

Now that you are a failed lonely bastard (see here!), perhaps it's time to tidy up the fucking place you call your home?




IF ONLY THE NAZIS WON THE WAR... REDUX

(Okay, so the original was a bit short-sighted and harsh which is why I revisited it) In the end, it didn't really matter who will win the US elections, the civilized world would have been fucked anyway because everybody knows that they are all aliens out to steal our sex organs. Because that's what they eat. Bush. Dick. Bowell.




SAD NOTES TO THE OUTSIDE FROM THE BITCH IN MY CUPBOARD

I saw a poster this morning that said: "FOUR MORE YEARS OF BUSH" and thought to myself, what a great thing. I love bush. Okay, not a lot of bush, a little trimming is in order, but overall, bush is a good thing. This intro has nothing to do with the update.




DISPATCH

Drug abuse has eroded my brain and now I try to justify my failures. At least I had fun okay! But I still think you people are full of shit being all hoity toity with your fucking parent's money and shit so fuck you!




STRANGE TALE ABOUT SOME FREAK OR SOMETHING

Uhm. This is some sort of an attempt at a write up intro thing for this update.




ARE YOU SOUTH AFRICAN? BUT... BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

As a society drenched in the propaganda of this new ridiculous Rainbow Nation ideal it soon became apparent that we were going nowhere, because, for the most part, the dark skinned people couldn't afford Rainbows. White money didn't want to turn into black money overnight, although it seemed to have no trouble suddenly turning into British money and Canadian money and Australian money, and, in some extremely foolish cases, United States of American Money.




MAILBOX OF DESPAIR: MORE FUCKING EMAIL

Spam spam spam spam mom spam spam spam ooh, enlarge your penis size, better keep that one spam spam spam spam spam.




AFRIKAANS!!!

Boy, what a treat! nihil's very first update in Afrikaans! And it's all about sex, drugs and rock 'n roll!




GARBLING ABOUT FUCKALL

Since I have nothing to do... actually I lie, I have lots to do but instead I'm fucking around on my hard drive looking at all the crap accumulated on it. It's quite a nostalgic journey. Look at the yearning etched into my face. Look at my glassy eyes, as they drift back to simpler and happier days. This article got me laid once. It's was a lousy lay, but a lay nonetheless.




DISPATCH FROM THE PAST

"Hey, if you don't like the taste of 2 week old smegma what the fuck are you doing down there in the first place?"




STOP PREJUDICE AGAINST DONKEYS

What do goths have against donkeys? (flagrant donkey hatred!) I don't know. Perhaps donkeys seem too happy to be truly part of the goth scene? I like donkeys. I like dudes blowing donkeys. I must admit that the first time I ever saw a donkey I felt quite inadequate though. I mean, Jesus Fucking Christ! You can kill somebody with a cock that size. But anyway, this update has nothing to do with donkeys, it deals with goths.




DISPATCH!

Well, now that I've established that my life is an endless pit of despair I want to tell somebody. Unfortunately, I have nobody to tell, sure, I could buy a dog and end up looking like Dr. Dolittle in reverse because I don't really think I would give a fuck about Fido's bitch problems so it is probably a good thing that I don't understand animals, it would just be another annoyance in my already overly annoyed life. But anyway, you probably don't want to hear about it.




SO I FINALLY DECIDE TO WRITE AN UPDATE

It's not easy being me let me tell you readers out there. I run a tight ship. I don't even know how I manage to achieve all my achievements most of the time, it's like I'm a multi-tasking machine. A Taskinator if you will. But the fact is, I've been neglecting my beautiful website, nihil.co.za. But I have reasons goddamnit! Or perhaps I have an amazing ability to shift blame. I'm still pondering that one. Anyway, here are my reasons for the lack of updates and some dating tips.




MAILBOX OF DESPAIR: TIK ABUSE DESTROYS FAMILY

A while back we at nihil.co.za ran a frightening expose on a scurge in our fine nation. Tik (see the article here), the menace that is terrorizing our youth and making the light bulb manufacturers of this country a bundle in profits (has anyone actually looked into this connection?) Anyway, we received tons of mails from concerned and shocked citizens, but the following one even concerned and shocked us. Luckily our public relations office is always there to offer unbiased views and good old fashioned advice.




LOOK AT ALL THE AMAZING NEW CONTENT!!!

So we haven't updated in a while. The main reason is that the prophecies in revelation are coming to pass and the mooooon is in the seventh sun or some such shit and all of us are having our cocks sucked. The end is naai. I fucking hated hair. It was stupid and pretentious hippie bullshit. I watched this other musical called Camp the other day though. I went on my own to the cinema with a bottle of cheap wine in my bag. the main reason I went to the film was because I was pretty sure there would be nobody in the cinema to complain about my drinking. I was right of course. Everybody hates musicals. I got very drunk. And I cried. It was a good film. Here's some porn...




I DON'T WANNA LIVE IN NO LONDON DUNGEON

I've always carried a certain resentment towards London. Too many fucking pigeons and just about everything I truly hate has its origins in that cesspool and surrounding cesspools, like English speaking people. But hey, at least I've never actually had to experience it first hand. Thank fuck, but my dear friend Christ is in the unfortunate position of swimming in the swill. Here's her account...




NO FUCKING TITLE

I'm sure that you just said something but I'm too scared to ask you in case you actually did.

I'm sure there was something but I'm not sure because I can't trust myself right now.




DISPATCH

Down here in darkest Africa it has certainly been bright and sunny lately. Now, for those familiar with the concept of "Four Seasons" this naturally means that it is not winter, but then Southern Africa doesn't really have winter like in Europe so it wouldn't really matter anyway.




THE HERO CHRONICLES. CHAPTER 2

The long awaited next installment to the Hero Chronicles has finally arrived! It promises to be more SPECTACULAR! More EXCITEMENT. More NOUNS. Will the Hero Chronicles make it to become the trilogy of all trilogies? Who cares!?




EXCUSES AND PARTIES

Finally, an update. Not that it really matters because I'm the only person that ever fucking reads this shit so I hope to Christ that more people come to the nihil party than the amount of visitors to this website.




THE HERO CHRONICLES

To prove to the outside world that we at nihil are not just a bunch of ranting maniacs, we have decided to delve into literature and are proud to present the first installment of a fictional story that may or may not have future installments. Your guess is as good as ours.




DEAR CONCERNED CITIZEN, AN APOLOGY... SORT OF...

We at nihil.co.za take feedback from our visitors extremely mega-ultra 100% excitement seriously. We not only welcome criticism, we encourage it and in the spirit of interactivity we deliver visitor service to the best of our ability. This week, a letter of concern from a concerned citizen concerning children and others that should be concerned.




I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE SMELL OF HER HAIR... WAIT... NO I CAN'T

In my seemingly endless and pointless search for eternal love, the further I go, the more obstacles are thrown in my path. I'm pretty much ready to throw in the towel now because it seems that the crime factor in this country has doomed me to a life of loneliness and bitter despair.




The rusty dirt car pulled up in the yellow no parking zone. An I love Jesus sticker glared from the rear windshield, the door creaked open. A man in his fifties swung his foot out towards the pavement, but something wasn't right. There was a packet from Markhams stuck over his foot. He pulled it off as a beatiful girl in a Chico picked her nose across the street. Then I knew that God was dead.




THE END IS NIGH... AGAIN

Due to the overwhelmingly negative response from certain groups because of a recent update I shamelessly attack religion AGAIN. But from a more balanced point of view. Also, the Apocalypse and proof that the United States did not drop enough Napalm.




RADIO FREE FUCK YOU

I throw my hat into the political ring and defend hatespeech on the internet and elsewhere. Why? Why you ask. Because goddamnit, the lines are blurring and pretty soon I will probably get arrested for calling my housemate a fat ugly bastard.




SCI FI & TECHNO FASCISM

The Sci-Fi channel in South Africa has been closed down and a lot of folk out there cried foul. I have no idea why because my dad always said it was a load of crap anyway and I don't believe that the channel offered anything but Mind Control for the Utopian masses. It was basically just a 24hr Star Trek channel anyway, and as everyone knows, Star Trek is the tool of oppression. Starting nihil's new library section: a classic text about the dangers of Star Trek. Distribute freely!

I will stand triumphant atop the rubble and smoldering corpses laughing. No peace bonding. My phasers will not be on stun. Where is Starfleet now? Kirk to Enterprise.. Kirk to Enterprise. And what will you have to show for your short lived life? Nothing because you wasted it all on this fucking show, losers. Die die die. Every last one of you. Die.




MISS LIBERAL ONCE AGAIN TACKLES THE ISSUES AT!!!

Nihil's resident little miss Liberal once again shows us the way and tackles the issues that the apathetic masses choose to ignore in this hard hitting letter to the president of our democracy, Thabo Mbeki.




DISPATCH!

Since nobody actually ever visits this website it gives us the perfect opportunity to do pretty much whatever the fuck we want and tackle the issues that aren't issues whatsoever in any alternate universe no matter how much you bend the space/time continuum.






HOLY HOTCAKES, BATMAN: TEAM PAIN!

An exclusive interview with the greatest duo since Batman & Robin. Team Pain! The most terrifical completely unknown cultural engineers in all history. Does life imitate art or does art imitate life? It doesn't matter because Team Pain hates both life AND art.




you have been betrayed.

there is no point anymore.

i'm going to kill myself and i think you should too.

we should all do it, tonight.

until then we have to set FIRE to things. by things i mean EVERYTHING. every stinking fucking combustible fucking thing in the whole shit world. i dream of a planet covered in red orange yellow flames bustling chaos screaming heat.

you cannot disagree, you are incorrect, if you try to argue i will tell you why you are incorrect. you need to look at the FLAME and you will understand. you can only see why when it's already too late. but i have seen. we are hollow dreams of nothing screaming kicking cursing breathing. doing more is not an option. doing more is an illusion. kill yourself.

set FIRE.

that television is fuel. that couch, fuel. those shoes on your black toenail feet, fuel. books desks keyboards lampposts parking attendants scooters every fucking thing yes it's fuel.

we're going to make a big pile of stuff and pour petrol at it. i've done this once but small, because i planned on not killing myself the next day. this sort of thing you have to do when you've already planned to kill yourself because if you're still around the next day you will get arrested and go to jail and that's worse than death, so lay awake late at night and write your suicide note and burn it and then buy all the matches at the seven eleven and meet me outside.

and save your receipt.



DISPATCH!

It's been a while since I've been happy. Of course, happiness is a very relative term to describe the way you feel. As a matter of fact, I'm not quite sure what happiness means. I looked it up in the dictionary and all I got was vague descriptions obviously written by somebody who had no idea what the fuck they were talking about.




TIK MENACE!

There's a new menace targeting our youth! Crystal Meth, known as TIK has become the alternative to marijuana to alleviate boredom and is a symptom of our government's and parents apathy towards the needs of any child: good television. Parents beware! The TIK MENACE is here!


STICKS ARE FUCKING COOL!

We apologise for the lack of retardedness lately. We offer this update as a peace offering in the hope that our readers (hi mom!) will come back and please transfer some cash into our bank account because we ate our last loaf of bread this morning. See a stick will never fuck with your emotions...EVER!


DISPATCH!

So for supper I had some wholewheat crispbread which had been in my work desk drawer for about a year now. I don't believe that wholewheat crispbread gets better with age, but in the same breath I can honestly argue that it does not get any worse. Wholewheat crispbread is seemingly one of those things in life that one can always depend on.




BLAST FROM THE PAST

Back in the day we here at nihil were really immature and filled with self-loathing. Now we're immature and filled with loathing. But as the saying goes, those who forget history are doomed to fail the exam, so here is our new archive section filled with shit most people would rather forget. Featured archive item: Retarded Kids!




LOVE ME I'M A LIBERAL

Those dang liberals will never learn now will they? Little miss Liberal adopts a refugee child, BLOBSTER! Hooray!




HEY KIDS!

Yet another piece in which we make several references to drugs, be homophobic, sexist and racist - but all in an "ironic" way, excrete a selection of bodily fluids, insult an authority figure (parent, boss, politician, celebrity, etc) and embarrass ourselves




Oh Jesus! I don't think I can function without her!

So that bitch finally decided to dump your worthless ass? Do not fear. We'll help you cope with your loss...




Dispatch!

Why are there about 3000 fucking tazos in my room? What are tazos I hear you ask? Tazos are those little round disk things you get in potato chip packets. Kids collect them and swap them and eventually start gang wars and kill each other for them. Besides for that, they have very little use. Except filling up precious space. Precious space for what exactly, I don't know. But I'm tired of being the goddamn Pablo Escobar of the tazo trafficing world.




SimCamp! You can model it in one of four main directions: concentration, refugee, torture or work, and try and win on one of those goals. Concentration - kill as many as possible without arising international suspicion, refugee - keep people from returning to their homelands, torture - devise and implement the most succesful torture configuration, work - how are you going to get the best out of these people? Killing their family, or whipping them while they work?

Make sure you have enough graveyards so the spy sattelites don't see the piles of bodies! Sell your refugees as slaves to foreign nationals! Fully 3d rape room simulator! Maintain official denial in face of insurmountable evidence! Bribe foreign governments to leave you alone! Build a fake camp to show to UN visitors. Determine which digging angle maximises mass grave capacity, but keep speed in mind!



Gonzoman

As the first wave of maurading bananas breached the reinforced steel gates, the first real screams were heard rising through the city. Weeks had passed under seige, and the seemingly undepletable supplies of brill cream and plastic coat hangers had run out far too quickly. Women and children and salt shakers scavanged through the vats of rotting flesh, desperately searching for hair products of any kind to save them from the hordes, but to no avail.

They would all die here, ensconed in the giant scone, at the mercy of the evil yellow fruit.