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Leigh Matthews remembered or some such title

South Africa, a beautiful country. Filled with with trees and fertile dirt. In any other timeframe it would be called the land of milk and honey and black barbarians with straw covered huts and strategic spears. Yes, I did watch that Shaka Zuku show too much as a child. Henry Cele, what a fucking warrior/actor! But still, a breathtaking country.

This country, South Africa, has gone though many growing pains though. The beloved land underwent a tragic stage of segregation according to race that has thankfully been replaced by a new democratic system of segregation according to class. As a young privileged white boy I always felt terrible when I heard stories of those rich black capitalist businessmen having to live in mansions in SOWETO where the workers they abused on a daily basis live a mere street or two away from them.

I lie. None of the the rich black capitalist businessmen lived in mansions in SOWETO. They all lived in exile safe from the racist prying hands of the Apartheid government. And everyone knows that the only person who owned mansions in SOWETO was Winnie Mandela.

After our nation became democratised, even against the wishes of the almighty Dick Cheney (which pretty much means that every South African will be doomed to fire and brimstone and possibly another season of Touched by an Angel on SABC) we had a period of mild crime and poverty. Of course by mild crime I simply mean unpublished violent crime and by poverty I mean that white folk weren't assured a job anymore. What a truly harsh reality it was that dawned upon us that people of colour are also victims AND that some of them can read!

But we've progessed as a nation. Right now we in South Africa are celebrating 10 years of violent crime and black people that can read. And poverty, let's forget about poverty, because none of the newspapers really deal with that, so I can't honestly form an opinion. It doesn't really bug me either, I'm typing this on a R25000 computer for crying out loud. The only way that I'll ever see or be bothered by poverty is if I photoshop the word poverty onto my forehead on a picture I took with my digital camera and it is using a poorly chosen typeface. I hate poor choice of typefaces.

But allow me not to digress from my opening sentence: South Africa, a beautiful country. Filled with with trees and fertile dirt.

Once again crime in this country has made me lose faith. As many South Africans know, and if you, dear reader, are not South African, you'll know within the next paragraph as well. A young girl, aged 21, was kidnapped, held for ransom, and then murdered, even after the ransom was paid. Why? Why did this happen? South Africa is angry! And most of all, I'm pretty much fucking pissed off! Yes, hear my rage South Africa. Leigh Matthews! Why did she become a victim of the barbarism that seems to prevail in this country.

If anyone had the right to kidnap her, it should have been me. No, not in a criminal way. I could have kidnapped her with my love.

The first time I saw her face in the newspaper when the story broke I thought to myself:"Wow, what a cute girl. I sure do hope they find her." Because, let's face it, she was cute. If her face was on the back page of the Sunday newspaper instead of the front page everybody's attitude towards her would have been different. Women would have been secretly jealous of her beauty but at the same time disgusted at her exhibitionism and guys would've wanted to buy her a drink in a bar. But no, she had to pop up on the front page and the women thought about the poor girl, what a sweetheart, so young, so innocent. The guys still wanted to buy her a drink in a bar, providing they find her of course.

But her death is a tragedy.

Mostly for me. You see, I'm pretty old, I've got a girlfriend, sure, but she's already told me that I'm not "the one." So now I'm stuck with this predicament. What if Leigh Matthews was "the one" for me. What if the universe had a design on the two of us and it was meant that I would meet her 2 or 3 years from now and we fall madly in love and I get to buy her flowers, pick her up from her apartment in Sandton with my 1987 Ford Cortina and we drive for hours into the outskirts of Johannesburg and we kiss passionately underneath the Eskom power lines until dawn breaks. We can feel the electricity running through our veins and I touch her breast and say:"Leigh, I love you so much, I want to make children with you, here's my AIDS test result, see, it's dated yesterday, I'm clean." And she would say:"I love you too, even though you're a lousy lover and I'm allergic to your pubic hair, I love you, I want you to be mine, forever."

What if Leigh Matthews was supposed to be my life partner? What if any girl that gets killed in this violent society I live in was supposed to be my life partner? My one true love?

Well, fuck, that means there is one more bitter citizen in this country. I'm bitter. Leigh and I could have been good to each other. I could have been Leigh's "the one"

Love sucks. It does so especially when opportunities get snatched from you before you have a chance to take them. I would have loved to have her tender young wet pussy to rub against my thigh, failing that, at least have her tell me to "Fuck off you stupid drunk" and then masturbate to the sound her lips make when she says "fuck".

I'll never have that opportunity now. I could blame apartheid, but that would be a little stupid because if there was still an apartheid government I would have a proper job in the financial sector and I could buy her love with Anglo-American shares or have an arranged marriage by means of the Broederbond.

But this is the new South Africa, and our system has failed my quest for eternal love. Dear readers, if you read my bad poetry in every single fucking lifestyle magazine and see my story of love lost quoted in Solly Ozrovech books printed by Bybelkor, don't blame anyone except those fucking barbarians who kidnapped and killed Leigh Matthews. Oh, and blame the government, apartheid and Jackie Selebi while you're at it. It'll make you feel better, because the current state of South Africa cannot be our fault.

At least you don't have to deal with love lost. So consider yourself lucky.


I am so fucking happy I can beat myself with a stick
Sticks: Is there anything they can't do?
Argh. I'm fucking hungry and I can't walk
All I have in life are tazos and a massive collection of disease inducing condoms.

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