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Goth: a poem

This hated sunrise beams naked ridicule at me
Dreaded sweet death sketched upon my upturned face
Washed red with the rain of bitter blood coagulate
Here I lie in puddles of darkness
This prison this life
This eternal curse of existance
Alone in my cell upon reams of scribbled wretched words I write for thee
Forever twisted metal scraping in the gloom
Tearing at my soul in this cage of skin and bone
Tearing at my thoughts of suicide and flight into the familiar realm of death
I push the screaming blade against my pale flesh
I am at one with my mortality
Would the labyrinth of my mind be broken by a single gaze from my cherished prize
My ivory nightingale
This bitter fruit of life
This pain eternal
I'll lament the coming of the new day
And then I'll hate some Christians and maybe get a Bigmac

Stuffed Goth: A recipe

1 medium Goth (either sex)
2 goats
35 potatos
2 1/2 litres angst
1/2 litre balsamic vinegar
3 tablespoons cornflour
2 kilograms scratched Bauhaus lps
3 litres violent sexual longing
2 loaves white bread, crumbed
1 1/2 litres salty, pre-dawn tears
salt, pepper and crumbled shrooms to taste


(35 minutes if you have a Goth, 15 years 9 months 35 minutes if you're growing your own)

1. Examine Goth for bruises, punctures or really stupid tattoos. If you don't find any, return it, its probably battery grown.

2. Strip outer layer (shiny black). Set aside. Realize situation and consume teaspoon mushrooms for nerves.

3. Combine vinegar and angst with fork (preferably rusty and jagged). Add cornflour and beat until thickens.

4. Turn off lights and stare desperately at stained ceiling, muttering prayers to Dark Lord, scraping bare concrete floor with long false nails.

5. Remove hair from meat with carving knife and blend in food processor until fine.

6. Turn on lights, take off fingernails, bandage wounds. Repeat step 5. Consume two teaspoons shrooms.

7. Split meat from navel to anus.

8. Sacrifice goat and beg Dark Lord for a life of power and vengeance.

9. Remove intestines. Scream in terror as intestines begin to crawl, pulse and envelope your torso in their oozing grasp.

10. Remember mushroom consumption, take mild anti-psychotic. Observe intestines from a distance until they calm down.

11. Remove organs. Set aside dark broken heart and hollow rain-stained soul. Discard failing, abused liver.

12. Re-extinguish lights, re-attach fingernails. Stare out of window, mysteriously. Consider Death. Relight, defingernail.

13. Wash out cavity with high pressure hose.

14. Add heart and soul to food processor, also Bauhaus and longing. Process on fastest setting. Mix in breadcrumbs. Roll on work surface until sausage shaped.

15. Sacrifice goat and beg Dark Lord for parsley.

16. Stuff cavity with sausage, potatoes, parsley. Seal with head (Goth’s).

17. Bind hands and feet to small cross with black strips. Cover with sauce, sprinkle with salt, pepper and salty tears.

18. Place in oven pre-heated to 180 degrees C for two hours.

19. Retreat to blackened bathroom to idly trace wrists with razor blades.

The meat is done when the outside blackens (with regret and self loathing). When a knife is inserted into the thigh, the juices should run clear. If extremities start smoking, lower grid.

This dish works well with a roasted pepper salad, baby carrots and thin clear gravy. A light, fruity white wine enhances the flavours and is definitely recommended. Personally, I like to follow it with a banana and rum dessert - the contrast makes for a glorious culinary experience.

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