The Hero Chronicles
I know the title is stupid, I don't need you to tell me that, I did it
on purpose dipshit.
This guy, James, he’s the lead character. This story is entirely
fictional, there’s no truth in it at all. Shut up. This James character
has these superman powers and he’ll fuck us all up if you piss him off.
James was just about to pick up this building in town and throw it
against this other building to see what a whole pile of fuck-up would
look like when his boss called him on his office phone. I’ll bet you’re
wondering why James, a guy with superman (and even more) powers, why by
my bloody ball sack did this guy bother to have a job when he could just
get all the money he needed by turning on invisibility power and walking
into the bank and fondling the tellers, and maybe getting the money too?
I don’t know… This isn’t my story. It’s his.
James had a sip of water, his desk was covered with invoices and letters
and notes and files and so many pieces of paper that people were scared
of walking past his desk for fear of distracting him with their
footsteps, he knew how to look that busy. He’d been doing it for years.
A professional slacker, hated everything about his job, his colleagues,
his duties, the company, the clients, the shit coffee, etc.
Into his boss’s office now, he was talking, waffling, so on and so on,
I’m getting bored writing this. Maybe I should make James blow the whole
place to shit and smoke a cigar in satisfaction? Ok. James walked into
his boss’s office and shot plasma beams out of his finger tips and he
looked cool while he was doing it, not like some freak shooting green
plasma beams out of his finger tips which might be a little gay looking.
Trust me, it was cool. The pile of ash on the floor: his boss. The guy
smoking the cigar and looking cool: James.
Actually, I think that James is a really dumb name for a lead character.
It reminds me of this kid in my school that used to piss his pants all
the time, and the bitch school secretary would announce over the school
intercom: “Er… if anybody has a spare pair of trousers with them today
please report to the secretary’s office.” Like fuck. So anyway, I’m
changing his name to Ass Rocker for now, because he rocks so much ass. I
so can do that. Don’t start bitching. At least I came out right in the
beginning of this brilliant piece of literature and told you his name. I
hate it when writers get so lost in their bullshit fictional descriptive
essay world and only tell you the guy on the horse’s name in chapter 2
through some secondary character who’s entire role in the whole damn
book is to introduce said lead character. What a bunch of cocksuckers.
Ok, so Ass Rocker tore open some window or whatever, no wait, he BLASTED
the walls away with his mind, Jesus, he’s cool. Then he goes and FLIES
right out of the hole which used be a wall with one of those shitty
corporate motivational posters on it, with penguins or whatever, saying
“Persevere” with pussy sucking baby blue text. I hate that! FUCK! So
anyway, after he FLIES out the fucking window… er… hole… the stupid
bitch he used to work with, cos let’s face it, he’s not going back to
that job, the stupid bitch goes, “James!” (she didn’t know I changed his
name) So Ass Rocker turns around in midair and looks at her. She goes,
“What are you doing JAMES! THIS CAN’T BE REAL!”
So Ass Rocker looks at her again (he got distracted) and he says,
“Stupid Bitch.” And the sound of his voice kills her right there and
then but first she has a massive orgasm from witnessing his manliness,
then she shat her pants and fell over (on her face).
Our hero’s first heroic deed is coming up… now!
Ass Rocker flies down the street now. I’m not going into details. He
hears someone shouting, and flies towards it, it’s coming from the
street. He lands next to a car. There’s a guy pointing a gun at this old
guy in the car, telling him to get out. The guy with the gun sees Ass
Rocker, points the gun at him and shoots him.
Now, at this point one of many things could have happened, and I’ll
explore these possible alternatives because that’s what writers do, and
I’m a writer, because I say so.
Firstly, Ass Rocker could’ve dodged the bullet, but not like in the
Matrix when the guy goes all blurry, I mean like in this one movie I saw
from the eighties which had these karate guys who could dodge bullets in
reality, not in some made up world. Secondly, he could’ve stopped the
bullet with his mind, but I think that’s been done before. I can’t think
of any more alternatives so fuck it.
Have a look once again at all these many alternatives which I have just
written about. Do you think that Ass Rocker would have done any of them?
No? Well you’re right if you said no, and if you said yes, then please
stop reading this because your stupidity is irritating me. Ass Rocker
stood there and watched the bullet as it went straight through his chest
and came out the back. He wanted the bullet to hit him, just to prove a
point. As the blood began to ooze out of the bullet hole he grinned and
put his cigar out RIGHT IN THE HOLE! FUCK!
The guy who just shot him turns around and starts to run away. Ass
Rocker was just about to go sprint after him and run around the front of
him so fast you can’t see him and then suddenly appear in the guys way
(who is looking back at this point to see if he is being pursued,
because he is a coward) so the guy doesn’t see him, in fact nobody sees
him, because he’s moving so fast, and then the guy would’ve run right
into him and he would’ve broken his neck on our hero’s chest and
probably some blood would’ve splattered with some disgusting cigar ash,
but something stopped Ass Rocker...
The elderly man who he had just saved from being hijacked opened his car
door. His car radio was playing. It was that song by Maroon 5, you know
the one. They play that song all the time. Nothing, not a thing, pissed
Ass Rocker off more than Maroon 5. How can a band be so completely shit
all in one go? You have to agree with Ass Rocker on this point, because
he’s right. So he punches the old guy in the face (I can’t believe I
included that shit band in my story) and the guy falls back into his
car, Ass Rocker slams the door, picks the car up, and throws it into the
ocean, then he kicks this woman’s head off who was walking past because
she was wearing too much make-up.