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Dear President Thabo


We live at a beautiful time in South Africa's history. As a formerly white person (but an African since 1994!), I've always tried my hardest to help the people of this simplecountry by offering direction and advice gained from my people's long history of civilization. I feel I'd be betraying my very race if I didn't help out those less experienced in the complexities of culture, and those (through no fault of their own!) who have only recently learnt about the great foundational concepts of Christianity and Law. I know that is must be taxing to suddenly jump from a simple, though idyllic, life of cattle raising and farming into the complex and difficult modern world, with such scientific monstrosities as electricity and foreign ideologies like democracy. It is wonderful to see how quickly the African people have embraced these marvellous Western boons, and it is wonderful to be writing to you, the second South African president who gained power through the pure life-giving force of democracy, with no historical, family, or tribal ties to a traditional position of authority.

Although so many things have been going right, we must both admit to ourselves (and I know this will be hard!) that everything isn't perfect yet. There are issues in this country which must be dealt with before we can truly fulfill our destiny - complete and seamless integration into the circles of Western culture and power. We've made great progress in the last few years - especially in opening our factories and businesses up to the harmonious altruism of American and European financial input - but there is still more to be done. And there is one thing to be done that is blindingly obvious, but seemingly ignored by your government. This oversight is a horrific inditement of those in charge, and is even leading me to believe that perhaps you don't really have the best interests of your people in mind. I'm talking, of course, about fingernails.

Thats right, fingernails. The relative nail-related health of a population has always been one of the most powerful indicators of a properly functioning civilization, and an indicator that we, as a country, are failing - badly. Just yesterday, for instance, I arrived at Cavendish Square to do a bit of shopping at Woolies. I parked outside for once (something I usually avoid because there are often suspicious characters hanging about), and smiled a reserved smile at the car guard. I find this normally helps, because if those people know that you're on their side they are far more dedicated in their work. As I walked towards the mall, I noticed many of those poor homeless people who seem to hang around such places, but I noticed more than that. For once, I actually looked at these people, rather than just passing them by, shielding myself from their gaze with my handbag. And what I saw shocked me to the core: their fingernails are absolutely disgusting.

How are these people expected to pull themselves together and make something of their lives if they aren't afforded the self-respect and humanity provided by a clean and manicured set of fingernails? And I shudder to even consider the mess that would await anyone brave enough to examine their feet... Seriously, don't they know the terrible problems that can be caused by inefficient toenail care? The last thing they need in their quest to reintegrate with proper society is an ingrown toenail, or (God protect!) a terminal cuticle problem. I almost expelled the contents of my stomach over my croussant and coffee when I realized that these people actually EAT with those very same hands, with those nails, those nails filled with the rotting filth of street dirt and the byproducts of their own bodily functions.

I've heard from my friends tales of visitors to our country being horrified by the levels of poverty that they witnessed, but I never believed them. Now I have a completely different view. What sort of image have we been putting across when tourists are forced to see the native population as a group defined, above all, by their dirty, cracked ungues? Some of these nails look like they haven't even been trimmed in weeks, and I shudder in horror when considering the last time they were decently manicured, or even given a quick polish. A population without decent hand care, and perhaps a nice layer of protective clear varnish, is no population at all!

It is hardly my job to dictate to the government on their healthcare policies, but I must warn, in all seriousness, that unless something is done (and soon!), there is no hope for this great new nation. We must stand together and act now, before it is too late to save the hands, nails, and pride of our people!

Viva South Africa Viva!

Mrs Wanita Hight, Liberal


I am so fucking happy I can beat myself with a stick
Sticks: Is there anything they can't do?
Argh. I'm fucking hungry and I can't walk
All I have in life are tazos and a massive collection of disease inducing condoms.

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