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Interview with TEAM PAIN

Q: I heard you sometimes got dressed up like a boy when you were a kid, is that true?

Team Pain 01: I am not sure if it is true or not, but is not the case at hand. What about the lack of anti-retrovirals for all the IADS infested fuck and shit .... huh what about them goddamn you!

Team Pain02: I thought that I had bad case of IADS once but it was actually the Revenue Service who fucked me over. I drank a lof of Whiskey that night, The next day the IADS was gone but I was still in debt.

Q: What happened to your tank

TP02: Well, at the moment it's just standing in the front yard because I bought this Vespa for like really cheap but I tell you that little motherfucker can go and it's pretty light on gas and I've always had some morbid fascination with Vespa's ever since I saw Jenna Jameson give that Rocco Siffredi a blowjob on one in Vespa Vagina 3. But yeah, I guess I'll use the tank again someday but probably just as a garden ornament or for someplace to put the garden gnomes in my cupboard.

TP01: i hear that ... plus do you even know how fucking hard it is to get a fucking new alternator for one of them tank fuckers...sheesh....and fuck TP02...vespas are so art school gay and shit. die TP02 die! Art school fag!

Q: What keeps you up at night?

TP01: Nothing. WHen I sleep I sleep...cause when they were up they were up ... and when they were down they were down...and when they were only half way up ... the tik was water based and didn't last the night!

TP02: Yes

Q: Ok then. Are you still bodybuilding ... heard you made a comeback in 1994

TP02: Well, not really. For a while I was into bodybuiding again but it didn't really matter how many steroids I took my cock didn't get any bigger. I guess that's why Arnold got into politics, it's the only way he can ever say "big" and "prick" in the same sentence.

TP01: I still work out like 6 hours a day, 8 days day a week man... you gotta keep on point if you wanna be in all the DMX videos and shit.

Q: Give the original things that inspired your agenda ... do you think there's been a change for the better?

TP01: No ... well sorta kinda ... YOU KNOW WHAT i MEAN RIGHT!

TP02: I disagree. No wait, I don't. Actually I do. Has anyone seen that new Hello Kitty Robot thing you can buy from the pentagon with the laser eyes and the self detonation command in it's code that makes shit blow up when muslims or brown people touch it. Fucking Japs. They have all the cool stuff and the age of consent there is 13.

Q: Do you think the hip-hop community has a greater responcibilty to it's fans than it recognises?

TP02: Hell yeah. I don't think the Soda Pop companies are doing enough to make the kids aware of the inherent dangers of playing with balls near a road.

TP01: For sure man! It like has a responsibilty that is mega ... and yeah when you have a responsibility to something it means you have to be responsible and with being responsible come responsibilty ... so yeah... I totall yrecokon that they do!

Q: What do you think about HUSTLER combining porn and rock music?

TP01: I think it's fucking retarded ... I recently had a grea HUSTLER GOLD addition that I fucking beat my penis to repeatedly only to dicover a SLayer interview...and now I get a fucking hard penis happenine whenever I hear Angel of Death!

TP02: Rock and Porn has always gone together. I mean how many times have you heard the phrase:"You have such a ROCK hard penis"? So I think it's a good thing as long as iot has Jenna Jameson and a Vespa in it.

Q: Has your perseption of sex changed since you've been in the industry?

TP02: I've been trying to avoid thinking of that but I guess it has. I mean, in the old days sex used to be hard to get and you had to work on it and eventually it got stale and the bitch would never return your CD's. Now it's just quick, ultra slutty and meaningless. I'm not sure I like it.

TP01: This is a issue ral close to my heart. You see I have found that the slut is no more. They all just fucking dissapeared man. I fucking blame all the fake whores...like Christina Aguilera for example ... she teaching bitcheds that it's cool to dress like a prostiute and shit...now thats all meat and taters! BUT!!!! in looking like a whore you have the responsibilty that comes with it.... and that my friend is sucking cock at random, and not moaning about taking it up the bum bum with out lube. All I can do is try and reach out to all of the females out there and tell them to just say NO! And realise that false advertising is a crime.... if you look like a whore, then by golly act like one. Have you no backbone! I mean yikes!

Q: HAve you ever been approached by bands to direct music videos?

TP01: Yes

TP02: Yeah. This one time I was in Bloemfontein and the local Drum Majorettes asked me to film them as they go past in the "We are white fuck you" parade and filmed it but I also got a snippet of the German Oompa band that followed them and they asked me if they could have a copy of the video but I said no dudes beacause this isn't my camera and they were pissed off but the footage was really good. 13 year olds in mini dresses are where it's at. Especially if they're boys.

Q: What evidence do you have that at least some of the 2002 elections were fixed?

TP02: Good question. It had to be fixed. I was watching this 8 hour David Icke lecture in which he specifically mentioned the local reptilians and their leader Tony Leon and that the apocalypse was going to happen in 2012 below the 36th parallel which of course could only mean that South Africa will be the setting for Armageddon.

TP01: Yeah Tony Leon is a toatl dick toucher, and if you know math then you know that duick touchers are akin to vote fixers...it's all pure science it is!

Q: Do women love you or Captain Kirk?

TP01: Are you trying to take me for a poes ... we all know the delicate situation surrounding this question. Have you b\never heard of treading lightly. God, whats you fuicking bag fucktard! I hate you!

TP02: Me obviously. Because Captian Kirk only ever sets his gun on stun. Duh.

Q: WHat do you live for?

TP02: World peace.

TP01: Finding the entire Rick Ashtley collection on vinyl ...BUT...BUTTTT.... they all have to be pressed in Australia! That is what I live for! HAIL RICK!

Q: Aren't your pre-pubesent fans skate freaks ... a bit young for groupiedom?

TP01: No they are not!

TP02: No. They are not.

Q: By that you mean we could see another Biggie/Tupac situation?

TP02: Totally. I'm like completely Tupac because I have pubic hair and Team Pain 01 is like totally Biggie because he's also braindead. Yeah. It's either Biggie and Tupac, or God and the pizza delivery guy that's late. But I think it's more Biggie and Tupac becaue I'm black.

TP01: First off fuck your bitch and the click you claim, west side how we ride, clamin quick ya game, you claimed to be a palyer but I fucked your wife, we bust on bad boys, niggah,s fucked for life .... Biggie Smalls and Junior Mafia some punk ass bitches....see what I'm saying... now do you understand how there is gonna completely by a mirror killing in the east west fued with Bill Gates and Mark Shuttleworth. Learn from the past guys!

Q: Where did they get the knives for the cover of your album?

TP01: Bushido!!!! That motherfucker is our main knife connekie. HE FUCKING OWNS SHIT! He also stocks a mega range of ninja stars and he is also a trained fucking ninja. (Fact: Only a ninja can kill a ninja ... true!)

TP02: Lies. His mother gave it to him because we didn't have anything to carve the chicken with. Didn't really help though. Chickens are fast and crafty.

Q: How did you end up getting into extreme power electronics?

TP02: When I was a boy my father went through this phase of do it yourself shit. He bought this Bosch drill and used to drill and drill and drill and I was like totally mesmerised with that drill, so one day I stole it, plugged it in and drilled holes into the door of my room so I could see if my stuffed toys we're having sex on my bed. They weren't.

Q: Whats your stance on the female body hair issue?

TP01: I need the vagina shaved clean ... but the armpits must be wild and unruley ... like Britt Ekland ... then I like to trim the pi hairs and glue them onto my fuck partners upper lip and chin and her muff, them I can pretend she is a man and have it on like donkey kong....AAAAAAAAHHHHHH YEAH!

TP02: Females?

Q: Whats the stupidest thing a fans ever given you?

TP02: This one girl tried to give me a rim job but she had no tongue.

TP01: A toe from a Cantonese Spitting Monkey

Q: Have you ever had an orgasm whilst shooting?

TP01: Once, at a farm up the west coast. It was a motherfucking Glock and it was dreamy

TP02: No. I'm a pacifist and get my orgasms through lenghty conversations with ex-RECCE's who shot people on the border in the war against terrorism.

Q: If you were a chess piece who would you be and why?

TP02: Definitely the rook beacuse it can go forward and sideways and backwards. That's like crazy shit man. Fuck. I wanna be rook.

TP01: A red one.

Q: Did it help coming into the full squad with a lot of players you were familiar with from the England Under-21's?

TP01: No ... the fucker were mean and kept trying to trip me

TP02: I had no problem at all. I love all Under 21's especially if their thirteen and living in Japan and have an opium farm that sprouts Vespa's with Jenna Jameson on them.

Q: What were your first impressions of each other?

TP02: Well, I met Team Pain 01 at a country music swap meet and we both had our eyes on this mint condition 7" single of Dolly Parton singing the Cookie Monster song from Sesame Street with Kris Kristofferson doing backing vocals and he was like "hey man, Kris fucking Kristofferson" and I was like "I know man, I know." That was a real sunny day in November. Everything smelt like cow shit.

TP01: SHitdamnkickingmonkeytoddler! Yowsers! NAy person who can did on Kris is a homey of mine ... plus his sister a right fucking slag and he had tons of brandy. So I was like fuck it!... oh and he smelt of fucking cow doo doo!

Q: Whats your idea of hell?

TP01: A never ending fucking letter to the editor type scenario and I'm the one whop has to proof red it all.... non stop. Liberal ranting a fucking go fucking go! argh! fuck! thats fucking hell rioght there pilgrim! sheesh! yuck!

TP02: False

Q: Who's sexier, foreign men or English blokes?

TP02: Definitely foreign men, with huge big enslaved cocks that go up and down the back your spine as the ship leaves the harbour in Africa on its way to slavery and certain death in Europe.

TP01: English guys all say... Tea. Thank shit is so not fucking sexy at all!

Q: Finally ... what's your best story about a funeral, a pet or your own genitalia?

TP01: Funny story this one ... I had a swinging time at my great Uncle Theodore funeral with a minx of a half great dane half boerbull ...called Tammie ... and err......yah my genatalia as there too.

TP02: I was at this funeral for this cat I know who had erectile problems who always used to say "What's Up" That was funny. I laughed and laughed. you and me against the world buddy! You and me against the world.


I am so fucking happy I can beat myself with a stick
Sticks: Is there anything they can't do?
Argh. I'm fucking hungry and I can't walk
All I have in life are tazos and a massive collection of disease inducing condoms.

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