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Fuck. I love monkeys. They are wonderful little mammals because they are cute and they can climb trees and they have these tails. Those tails are amazing! Fuck Jesus Christ! Amazing I say. Us humans lost our tails because of this really stupid idea called evolution.

For my American readers, the theory of evolution has been around for quite a long time but was articulated by this guy named Charles Darwin, and even though he looks a bit like God, he's not. Darwin was not circumcised, and that is about the only difference. Anyway, Darwin and some people before him and after him (another difference between Darwin and God, Darwin's is a theory, not the ultimate 100% truth like the word of God or Condoleeza Rice) reckoned that we all... ALL OF US WHO INHABIT THE EARTH... basically came from one source, probably the same composition of cells which for some reason happened to develop in a primordial soup which was the main inhabitant of this planet millions and millions of years ago.

This soup was very mudlike and at this point I would like to tell all you white supremacists out there that according to Darwin's theory we are ALL therefor mud people, but lucky for you, you never heard of the man so keep watching the Waltons and Trinity Broadcast Network, sorry to have bothered you.

What a fucked up idea! Wow! So this guy Darwin basically says that something happened in the earth's atmosphere (he doesn't really say that but bear with me) and life started to develop on the planet and cells started fucking and interbreeding and eventually created the Dodo which was a weird coupling of syphillis infected chickens and down syndrome monkeys.

But yeah, and then all these species started developing from every mudball fucking another mudball and eventually we came to a point of monkeys! [this is a footnote, if any of you Creationists still doubt the theory of evolution, experience the birth of a crack baby. They're cute! They're addicted! They'll kill you for a hit! The future of America's War machine!]

Anyway. Monkeys. So monkeys have tails. Why!? Why I ask you with tears in my eyes! I'll tell you. Balance. HAS ANYONE EVER SEEN A MONKEY FAIL THAT STUPID "can you walk a straight line test" that the cops make you do when you're so pissed out of your skull that you're not even driving your car but they only pulled you off because you were trying to pull them off by throwing a stick into the wheels of their motorcycles.

Nevermind, I guess it only happened to me. But no, MONKEYS CANNOT FAIL THE WALK THE STRAIGHT LINE TEST! Because of their tails. Balance. Monkeys have balance. Humans do not have balance. Monkeys can fuck lady monkeys in the branches of 500 year old trees taller that the FUCKING WORLD TRADE CENTRE (haha, tricked you, it's about 3 metres high at the moment). Yes. They say:"hello lady monkey, I have balance, look at my tail, you just sit on that branch over there and I'll connect my tail on this here rear rotor from a downed Apache helicopter and every time I shout 'INSURGENCY' you open your rectal cavity real wide because that's when i'm coming in and i'll be out real fast and nobody will be hurt exceprt for your arse."

That guy Darwin claimed that mankind was an evolutionary offshoot of monkeys. But I suppose he never gave the idea that we are regressing a thought. And that is why I hate monkeys! They can fuck in trees, they have balance and they NEVER have to explain why they hate Americans. Fuck monkeys!

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