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Apocalypse Retro!

There's a lot of things on my mind lately. I guess it's just the natural progression of any human being to go through stages of excessive angst once you reach a certain stage in your life. The angst passes and you just fester there, all happy and shit, waiting for the next bout with the heavyweight of angst, the midlife crisis. Luckily I'm not that old yet and I still enjoy every drag from my cigarette and I have no need for legal prescription drugs which is always a good thing. I reckon that as soon as you give up heroin for some-over-the counter pain killer you're pretty much fucked.

One thing that featured in my dreams frequently has been that immortal fear of death. Well, not death really, more a fear of the oncoming apocalypse. And yes, it is getting closer, creeping upon mankind and animalkind and those goddamn insects that will probably survive the whole fucking end-of-the-world show and evolve to super intelligent beings that get their kicks off sniffing incesticides that would most likely have been banned by the insect elders in the exoskeloton future, to protect the larvae of course. The bright young larvae that will become the future of the insect infested planet. Stay away from the incesticides, insect kiddies, otherwise you'll go to the big Doom can in the sky, or underground. I really have no idea where the insect-Satan is situated, I'm actually just making this shit up.

But yes. The end of the world is creeping, slowly but surely, closer. The twilight years of the homo sapien, the mammal, has arrived. Of course, a lot of sceptics out there will question my belief. First of all, I would like to mention that it is not really a belief, it is more a prayer. I'm pretty fucking tired of all the people out there. No, I'm not generalising. I hate you all and I hate you with girth and vigour. You must all die and become food for our insect masters.

Look at me! I'm going off on a tangent here when I should explain myself. I apologise valued readers.

Now you see. I've been following popular culture for some time now. And I've noticed an alarming trend within pop culture. It is called RETRO. Now, I know a lot of folk out there believe that the end will come when some ubiquitous figure comes from the heavens and seperate the sinners and the other sinners who can fool an all knowing being, and let the sinner into paradise and let the fools who believed that they're fooling an ubiquitous being rot out somewhere in a Palestinian refugee camp, which is possibly the closest you can come to the mythical hell, without being as pleasant.

Of course, there is no such omnipresent being, which some refer to as god, out there. Dear Christians, Jews and Muslims, you are lying to yourself. Christ was a jew hippie selling some of the finest opiates he could score out of the East. Walk on water? Fuck, after a good hit or two of opium I can fucking walk on clouds. Christ: the first Nigerian drug dealer. And come now, all you Jewish people out there, a promised land? In the middle of a desert? I think somebody took you for the fool. No, seriously. You're basing your entire faith on a big guy in the sky who promised you a bunch of rocks and a shitload of sand? I reckon you guys should have waited until the boat was invented before you wrote your holy book. You know... explore a little? Duh!

Oh well, I guess if you're a couple of thousand years into a dumb belief you can't really look back since you invested so many fucking man hours into that bullshit. Personally, I hope you get your rocks. I mean I might seriously put out some cash for a rock stained with Arab blood. But please don't view me as your target market, I'm a bit weird.

Which brings us to the other big religion out there. The one that gave us hashish. God bless Islam, but preferably the blessing will not be given by the Muslim god. I'm talking about some other god, the cool one. The cool God bless Islam. Yeah well, I don't know much about Islam, but I think your god sucks as well. Mostly because he didn't invent the light bulb and/or the toothbrush. Fuck, would the United Nations please drop some toothbrushes over the Middle Eastern nations (not the democratic state of Israel though, Yehovah seems to be a Colgate stockholder) I am generally horrified to see news footage of suicide bombers and all I see scattered around are body parts and bad teeth. I mean, hello, Islamworld! HYGIENE! DENTAL HYGIENE!

While I'm at it, I would like to mention that the next Buddhist I see, I will personally cripple with a medium to large sized baseball bat. I hate Buddhists. Fucking annoying vegan cunts with their little books filled with terrible lentil recipes. Proof that the United States did not drop enough Napalm.

Where was I?


You see, retro is creeping up on us at an alarming rate. Why, the nineties were only in 1997 when the big 80's retro revolution began. Can anyone say VH1? All of a sudden people were listening to Duran Duran and pretending that it was the coolest shit ever created by a Casiotone.

It wasn't.

Disco made a comeback and was given a new moniker: electro! This continued into the new millenium, but it's reaching its end. However much I hate the whole 80's revival crap, the emerging 90's revival crap just plain scares me. Has anyone noticed this? We're 4 years out of the fucking worst decade of the 20th century and already people are beginning to idolize it. Fuck! I first noticed this when I started watching the homeless people in my residential area. The homeless used to to be a good crowd, that at least attempted to dress and appear like normal members of society, but nowadays they've embraced the grunge fashion that was so big in the early 90's.

They dress tacky. Torn clothes, old fucked up shoes. They don't come to one's house to beg for booze and bread anymore. No. They come to your house to beg a cup of coffee and some heroin and scoff at you because you're wearing a brand new pair of Converse that you bought from the local department store. The 90's are back. A lot of jobless people doing smack, drinking coffee and looking down on you because your shoes aren't falling apart.

But this got me wondering. If retro culture is speeding up, where will it end? Fairly soon retro will be classified as what happened a week ago, what happened yesterday... what happens tomorrow!

Of course that is not possible. It is scientifically impossible to be retro if an event or fashion trend have not ocurred yet. And this is what brings me back to the apocalypse.

The pop culture and fashion industries will drive the retro phenomenon so far that retro will meet the present and when that happens time as we know it will simply implode. The universe will implode. Because without time there could be no space or some other bullshit I ignored in science class. But to give this argument some meat, the Mayan culture's calendar predicted that time will end in the year 2012, of course, that is translated to our favourite Nigerian drug dealer's timeline, but it is 2012 and I don't give a fuck what the Mayan elders say. I do think the Mayans were right though.

2012 pretty much seems to be the year when Britney present will meet Britney past. A tear in the time/space continuum. The apocalypse. And when that Christmas special is televised, just remember, I told you so.


I am so fucking happy I can beat myself with a stick
Sticks: Is there anything they can't do?
Argh. I'm fucking hungry and I can't walk
All I have in life are tazos and a massive collection of disease inducing condoms.

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